An enabler might not be aware that they are doing so

The intricacies of human relationships are laced with nuances, and one of the most subtle, yet impactful, roles that an individual can play is that of an ‘enabler’. Enabling can be seen as supporting or encouraging certain behaviors or attitudes of another person, often to the detriment of the enabled individual. While the intention might be to help, protect, or support, enabling can sometimes perpetuate negative or harmful patterns. What makes this dynamic even more complicated is that many enablers may not even recognize they’re enabling. Let’s explore this further.

Defining an enabler:

At its core, enabling involves preventing an individual from facing the consequences of their actions, thereby indirectly promoting those behaviors. For instance, constantly covering for a colleague who is habitually late or regularly lending money to a friend with reckless spending habits are classic examples.

The unconscious enabler:

Not all enablers are consciously aware of their actions. Unconscious enablers often believe they are merely helping or supporting the other person, oblivious to the negative cycle they are perpetuating. Here’s why this happens:

Misplaced empathy: a genuine concern for the well-being of the other person can cloud judgment, leading one to ‘help’ in ways that are unconstructive in the long run.

Desire for peace: avoiding confrontations or disagreements can push someone into the role of an enabler just to maintain a semblance of peace.

Low self-esteem: some individuals derive their sense of worth from being ‘needed’, pushing them to continuously support, even if it’s detrimental.

Lack of awareness: without a clear understanding of what enabling is, many might be oblivious to their role in the negative dynamic.

Past experiences: personal history, especially if one has grown up in an environment where enabling was common, can unconsciously condition one to replicate those patterns.

The consequences of being an unconscious enabler:

Stunted growth of the enabled: by shielding them from the repercussions of their actions, the enabler inadvertently prevents the enabled from learning, growing, and evolving.

Strained relationships: continuous enabling can lead to imbalances in the relationship dynamic, breeding resentment, frustration, and eventual breakdowns.

Emotional burnout: the enabler might face emotional exhaustion, constantly trying to ‘rescue’ or ‘support’ the enabled.

Perpetuating negative patterns: the enabled might remain trapped in a vicious cycle, never recognizing the need for change as they’re always shielded from consequences.

Identifying enabling patterns:

To break out of the unconscious enabling mold, it’s vital to recognize the signs:

Consistently sacrificing one’s needs: routinely placing the needs or wants of the other person above one’s own.

Repeatedly covering up: regularly lying or covering up for the other person’s mistakes or misdeeds.

Financial drain: continuously bailing out the other person from financial messes without them taking responsibility.

Avoiding confrontation: constantly walking on eggshells, avoiding any conversations that might highlight the enable’s problematic behavior.

Steps to move beyond being an enabler:

Educate yourself: understanding the concept of enabling and its implications is the first step to change.

Seek professional help: therapists or counselors can offer valuable insights into one’s enabling patterns and provide strategies to break free.

Set boundaries: clearly defining what’s acceptable and what isn’t can help reset the relationship dynamic.

Encourage accountability: instead of shielding the enabled, encourage them to take responsibility for their actions.

Engage in self-reflection: regular introspection can help recognize and rectify unconscious enabling patterns.

Seek support: joining support groups or communities where one can share experiences and gain insights can be incredibly beneficial.


Being an enabler, especially an unconscious one, is a complex role, laden with good intentions but often resulting in unintended negative outcomes. Recognizing this dynamic and actively working to shift it is crucial for the well-being of both the enabler and the enabled. Through self-awareness, setting boundaries, and seeking professional guidance, it’s possible to transition from a potentially harmful dynamic to one of genuine, constructive support. Relationships, after all, should be platforms for mutual growth and understanding, not perpetual cycles of dependency and rescue.